Wednesday, February 22, 2006

The more i think about it the more scared i get!

I posted this picture because it is reflective of the way I am currently feeling. Can you see the "fake" look of happiness on my face and the "hand under chin" pose of so-called confidence? I find that it is indicative of everything currently enveloping my mind. The picture also shows my brother, Blair, who seems to be saying, "would you look at her, she is totally faking it!". And the other girl in the picture is my sister Lyndee who just generally seems to not know what is going on and smiles at any sign of a camera. The reason for my strange mood has very complicated underlying reasons. First of all, I have been pregnant now for, hmm, EVER! 9 months and counting! Needless to say, i am really ready to not be pregnant anymore and feel as if i took my physical freedom for granted when i wasnt pregnant. Its amazing that the small act of putting on my socks or hurling my legs out of bed is now such a pain in the butt. I also still think that i can fit between such areas as gas station pumps and my car without taking a slab of salt off the car with me. I find myself running into the TV, the dresser, Gary, the door frame and other stationary objects in an attempt to avoid my shoes on the floor or a water bottle that i so conveniently dropped in that location 3 days ago and havent picked up yet. I also cant help but wonder what the heck "labor" feels like. I have pains and aches and occasional contractions but when i am actually in labor am i going to just sit there and be stubborn about it? I guess i am having issues because this is clearly something that i have no control over. The baby is in charge...a scary thought for me. I have also been reading lots of books about the whole labor and delivery process and have come to the conclusion that NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN THE WAY I WANT IT TO! Not only will there be pain, there will be PAIN! Today i have finally admitted that i am a wussy. I could be tough when getting my blood drawn or jamming my finger back into place but the thought of labor just gets me all worked up. I could potentially be pregnant for another entire month, that thought is terrible yet comforting at the same time. Hopefully though, when its all over i will say "that wasnt as bad as i thought" but clearly things dont happen the way i want them to ;)